Recommended Sanderwich: I’m going to counter-intuitively suggest that you must read this blog post with tiny, delicate sanderwiches, like cucumber and ricotta with the crusts cut off or egg mayonnaise with a quail’s egg and caviar.
Here is an easy 10-step guide on how not to fall in love with the object of your affection. You need to implement this plan ASAP, before they are aware of any of your repulsive feelings. Stick to these steps and stay out of trouble.
- Eat a lot. Stuff your face. Cram in as much as possible. Eating quashes your feelings by physically squashing them down inside of you. A salad isn’t going to do the trick – you need stodgy foods. A list of recommended foods include: chips, pies, crisps (at least one full family sized pack), a whole loaf of bread, pizza, cheese sandwiches, cheese on toast, cheese and crackers, blocks of cheese.
- Drink a lot. Not a beer or a gin and tonic. Have a liquor-on-liquor drink like a martini. As you mix it in front of your housemates say “hold the olives” and laugh manically. Drinking works slightly differently to eating. Instead of squashing your feelings, it makes them no longer seem real. It turns your feelings into ghost feelings! They can’t hurt you anymore!
- Look at a picture of a slug. Really look at it.
- Try to focus on the negative traits of the object of your affection. Were they once a bit short with a waiter when they were really stressed? Could you really live with someone who is slightly short with waiters for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Could you?
- Give up masturbating. You’re drunk and flatulent anyway.
- Watch a zombie apocalypse movie or TV series to remind you how bleak and futile life is. A Werner Herzog documentary will also work. Think about how difficult it would be if you had to look after someone else during a zombie apocalypse. Or about how you’d feel if they died and you survived. View the world through Herzog’s prism. As he says in the austere voice over of Grizzly Man:“I believe the common denominator of the universe is not harmony; but chaos, hostility, and murder”. See, the less you have to mess up, the better.
- Have sex with somebody else! Someone you don’t even like! Treat yo self!
- Avoid the object of your affection. If you are in a team/club/class with them, just quit and watch box sets on Netflix like everyone else (see 6). If you’re in the same social circle, just don’t go out for a while. You’ll need to stock up on sweatpants and baggy t-shirts (jk, you can wear the same ones for several weeks). If you work with them, quit your job! Now you’re unemployed you have more time to watch zombie apocalypse media and Werner Herzog documentaries! If they live next door, move house. Move countries if possible. Move to the furthest away country. Learn another language and forget your native one. This way you can never converse with them again!
- If you do, for any reason, end up spending time with them: A) Don’t do anything nice with them. Don’t get a riverboat ride or go near a punt or a gondola. Don’t go on a Ferris wheel. Don’t book a nice restaurant. Don’t get an ice-cream or go on a picnic, there’s something about wicker hampers than can make you think you have feelings for Ian, that guy in your office that always stands too close and smells of toner. Don’t start playing crazy golf thinking it’s a bit of innocent fun. Don’t look at art together, who knows where that will lead. Don’t ever, ever be together at sunset. If you are caught off guard by the changing times of the dusk, don’t panic, just stand as far away from them as possible, close your eyes and think of the slug (see 3). If you are together after dark, don’t go anywhere in the vicinity of fairy lights. B) Don’t make physical contact. Just your hand lightly brushing against theirs could undo the great work that eating all that cheese has done. It will cause your feelings to rush to the surface like bubbles in a bottle of pop that’s been shaken up. Don’t sit next to them, especially on soft furnishings. And stop imagining what it would be like to bite the tops of their arms. Their soft, biteable arms. You weirdo.
- Call your ex. Ask your ex either what they think your worst quality is, or why you broke up. As you seethe, contemplate the terrible romantic choices you’ve made in the past. You can’t be trusted to make these kinds of decisions again.
If all else fails, just start having the hots for someone else and repeat steps 1 through 10.